Falling in Love is Such a Queasy Thing to Do
by Mr. Semaj
Summary: Everyone in Arlen has a significant other...except Bill Dauterive. Hank enlists Boomhauer to help Bill get a new life and a better attitude. In time, Bill transforms into the perfect ladies' man, but begins to usurp Boomhauer's reputation.
1. Chapter 1

**King of the Hill**

A Bill & Boomhauer Episode

Falling in Love is Such a Queasy Thing to Do

**Act I**

**Scene I – Love is in the Air**

_At the movies, Bobby and Maria are watching a thriller flick._

**Bobby**: "Maria, I don't know if I can handle this."

**Maria**: "Relax, Bobby. I've seen this twelve times already. It's not that scary."

**Bobby** _(nervously)_: "Okay…"

_A monster roars on the screen; somebody screams._

_Bobby flinches and tilts his head towards Maria's shoulder. Maria holds her arm around Bobby and kisses him on the forehead._

**Dooley**: "Your date is a coward."

_On that nice afternoon, Joseph is spending time at Connie's house. The two are watching television together on the living room couch. Connie is resting her feet on Joseph's lap._

**Joseph**: "This movie is cool. What is it called again?"

**Connie**: "Lord of the Flies."

**Joseph**: "Is it based from a true story?"

**Connie**: "No. It's based from a novel written by William Golding."

"Joseph, don't take this personally, but you don't seem to know much about modern literature."

**Joseph**: "There's no shame in it, dude. There's nothing books can't teach us that are already in movies, or the History Channel."

**Connie**: "Joseph, promise me someday you'll join a book club, or at least start going to a book store."

**Joseph**: "Uh, I don't know…"

_Connie turns Joseph's head to her face with her foot._

**Connie**: "Promise me, Joseph."

**Joseph**: "Okay, I promise I'll try it…someday." _(brief pause)_

**Connie**: "Come here…"

_Connie pulls Joseph towards her, wraps her arms and legs around Joseph, and kisses him._

_At the Gribbles' residence, Dale enters the bedroom._

**Nancy **_(seductively)_ : "Hey Sug…"

**Dale**: "Hey Nancy. What's new?"

**Nancy**: "These linen sheets. They had a sale at Bed Bath and Beyond and I couldn't resist."

**Dale**: "Of course not. Bed Bath and Beyond's got a clean record when it comes to silverware, though I've been more of a gray man myself."

**Nancy**: "Take me now, Sug!"

_Nancy pulls Dale onto the bed, and the two immediately start making out._

_At Boomhauer's residence, a woman is cooking in the kitchen. Boomhauer joins her._

**Boomhauer**: "Yo, what'cya cookin' there?"

**Joanne**: "Fried potatoes."

**Boomhauer**: "Talkin' 'bout puttin' in some corned beef with that?"

**Joanne**: "Plenty of it."

_The two kiss each other._

_At the Hills' residence, Lucky is out on the front porch enjoying the nice weather. Luanne's car pulls into the driveway._

**Luanne**: "Hey Lucky! I'm back from work!"

**Lucky**: "Hey there, Baby Girl!"

**Luanne**: "Today was pay day, and Mr. Jack gave me a raise for servicing his nephew. He owns the optometrist he goes to!"

**Lucky**: "How's about we put that money to something useful? Say, a day at the beach?"

**Luanne**: "It'll be my pleasure."

_The two start kissing, as observed from inside the Hills' home._

**Hank**: "Looks like the two are celebrating another great day at Jack's Barber."

**Peggy**: "Aw Hank, remember when we used to cuddle whenever we saw each other?"

**Hank**: "Yeah, well uh…"

**Peggy**: "Come on, Hank. I'll put the secret spice in my Peggy Pork chops tonight."

**Hank**: "Any chance of you letting me in on the 'secret'?"

**Peggy**: "You know if I told you, it wouldn't be a secret anymore."

_The two start making out on the couch._

_Outside the window, Kahn and Minh are in the kitchen making out, too._

**Minh**: "Mmm…your breath smell winter fresh today."

**Kahn**: "Sure. I guest of honor at Laotian Community Banquet tomorrow."

_As the two continue kissing, Ladybird is outside happily sharing a bone with Doggie. Doggie starts licking Ladybird._

_The dogs are seen from a nearby window. _

_Bill Dautrieve, who had been home from another rough day at work, lets out a long sigh as he's sucking the spoon from his bucket of ice cream._

**Scene II – Melancholy Moment**

_On a typical evening, Hank, Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer assemble in the alley._

**Hank**: "Yep."

**Dale**: "Yep."

**Boomhauer**: "Mm-hmm."

**Bill** _(sighs)_: "Do you guys ever feel that something is missing?"

_The men try to avoid answering his question._

**Bill**: "I mean like that thing where everyday is better than the last. Something that gives you a reason to exist."

**Hank **_(passively)_: "We've all had troubles."

**Bill**: "I really miss Lenore. If only I could get a whiff of her almond-brown hair once more…"

**Dale**: "Bill, get over it! You're always whining about how miserable _your_ life is. Besides, Lenore wasn't worth marrying in the first place."

**Bill**: "But it's just not fair! I mean, look at Luanne! She's had unfaithful boyfriends before, and now she's happily married to Lucky!"

_Luanne and Lucky are standing outside the Hills' residence, making out._

**Hank**: "One day at a time, Bill. One day at a time."

**Bill**: "I'm the only one on Rainey Street without a mate. I can't let myself life like this anymore! It's time for change!"

_Bill walks off to his house and shuts the door._

_A moment of silence._

**Dale**: "You know I ate a robin's egg once. Blue eggs aren't very appetizing."

**Scene III – Game Night**

_That night, Bill is getting into his pajamas. After settling into bed, he takes the time to look at some of his photo albums. He sees some of himself as an army barber, and a few with Hank, Dale, and/or Boomhauer._

_Then, he sees many pictures with Lenore. Some pictures were happy, and others weren't so happy. Either way, it felt like something was missing in Bill's life. _

_He then sees the Hills' house. Hank, Peggy, Bobby, Luanne, and Lucky were all playing a game of Uno. They were having a wonderful time._

_After a couple minutes, the doorbell rings. Hank answers._

**Hank**: "Bill?"

**Bill**: "Hey, Hank. What'cya doin'?"

**Hank**: "We're in the middle of an Uno game."

**Bill**: "Do you mind if I play?"

**Hank**: "Uh…" _He sees Bill's sad eyes._

**Lucky**: "Come on, Uncle Hank. It's your turn."

**Hank** _(sighs)_: "Alright."

**Bill**: "Yay! You and me having fun together, just like in high school."

_Hank chuckles uneasily._

**Hank**: "Sure. But before you begin, I suggest getting a bottle of mouthwash…fast!"

_As Bill trots off to the bathroom, Hank covers his nose, and tries to wave out that awful smell of macaroni and cheese._

_Soon, the family begins the next round of Uno with Bill._

**Peggy**: "Okay, who's next?"

**Lucky**: "That'd be me."

_The card faced up is Green 5. Lucky puts down a Yellow 5._

_Hank puts down a Yellow 6._

_Bobby puts down a Red 6._

_Luanne puts down a Wild Card._

**Bill** _(shouts)_:"Oh boy! What's the Wild Card for? Is it like football?"

**Peggy**: "Bill, please. We are trying to concentrate."

**Bill**: "Oh, I'm sorry."

_Peggy puts down a Blue 1._

**Peggy**: "Uno! Ho yeah!"

**Bill**_ (laughing)_: "She said 'Ho yeah!'. That's so precious!"

_Everyone cringes as Bill continues laughing._

**Hank**: "Um, anyway, Peggy is the winner…again."

**Bobby**: "I knew I should've put down a _Blue_ 6."

**Hank**: "Bill, how would you like to shuffle the cards?"

**Bill**: "Okay, Hank."

**Peggy** _(whispering)_: "Hank, do you really think this is a good idea?"

**Hank**: "They're just cards. I'm just trying to give the guy some confidence."

_Hank hands Bill the stack of cards. When shuffling, he accidentally spills the cards all over the floor._

_Peggy gives Hank an angry look._

**Bill**: "Oh, that was stupid. I'll pick it all up."

_He picks up the cards._

**Bill**: "Oh and Hank, if you're looking for your 15-inch wrench, I borrowed it."

**Hank** _(mumbling)_: "And I needed that to fix my car. Dangit!"

**Bobby**: "Dad, I'm missing my new radio I just bought last week."

_While Bill picks up the last of the cards, he farts._

_Everyone starts gasping, moaning, whining, or covering their noses._

**Bill**: "Okay, here's the cards! _(he notices everybody in distress)_

Why's everybody covering their noses? Did Ladybird let one?"

**Hank**: "That rips it! Bill, get the hell out of my house!"

_Bill starts stuttering. Hank nudges him out the door._

**Hank**: "I know we go back to high school, but you're a grown man. It's time for you to get your own gotdang life!

And stay the hell away from my wife! Don't think I don't see you peeking around."

**Bill**: "But—" _The door slams._

_Bill walks away dejectedly as Hank starts spraying the living room with aerosol._

**Scene IV – Boomhauer's Enlistment**

_The next day after work, Hank, Dale, and Boomhauer assemble in the alley._

_When Bill walks out the front door, he sees the men, and walks over to join them._

_Hank points his finger back to Bill's house. Bill walks back in, and shuts the door._

**Hank**: "Something's got to be done. Bill hasn't been the same since joining the army. His marriage to Lenore only made things worse."

**Dale**: "Maybe we should've let him go peacefully when he wanted to before."

**Hank**: "Dale, he's our friend. Friends help each other."

**Dale**: "You're right, Hank! Think of all the times I've helped you."

_Hank and Boomhauer stare collectively at Dale. __Dale walks away remorsefully._

**Hank**: "Boomhauer, you've always had a successful bachelor's life. Maybe you could give Bill some advice on being happy."

**Boomhauer**: "I tell ya, I dunno, man. That dang ol' Bill's the one who dun' raided my fridge last time and even soil my bathroom. Tell ya, took me hours to unclog my toilet, man."

**Hank**: "Bill's done stupid things to all of us. It's a cry for help.

If anyone can teach him how to become a better person, it's you."

_Boomhauer pauses._

**Boomhauer**: "Uh…okay. But if he stayin' over, gotta remember to lock my fridge, man."

_Bill is rummaging thru his refrigerator, which is almost empty. He looks into his wallet, and has no money._

**Bill**: "Hmm…maybe I could borrow some of Boomhauer's food…"

**(end of Act I)**


	2. Chapter 2

**King of the Hill**

A Bill & Boomhauer Episode

Falling in Love is Such a Queasy Thing to Do

**Act II**

**Scene I – Going for a Ride**

_The next day, Boomhauer takes Bill for a ride. The two go for a while without saying anything. But Bill is once again feeling sorry for himself._

**Bill **_(sighs)_: "I just can't do it. I may never get married again, let-alone have kids."

_Boomhauer tries to ignore him, but then tries to cheer him up._

**Boomhauer**: "Yo, man. That's like your dang ol' problem right there."

**Bill**: "What do you mean?"

**Boomhauer**: "I been quiet 'bout this the whole time, but can't no more.

You ain' never got no women, 'cause of your attitude."

**Bill**: "My attitude? What's wrong with my attitude?"

**Boomhauer**: "Man, you gotta start believin' in yourself. Ev'ry day, we gotta hear your stories about how bad your life is. Dang ol' seen people much much worse off than you. man.

Bet you can't even remember one crush you had _before_ Lenore..."

_Bill starts to remember a crush he had back in Arlen High School._

_Bill walks down the hallway with a card and a bag of candy in his arms. He goes to a classroom, where he's about to meet his date. _

**Bill**: "She's gonna like the new movie coming out this weekend." _(looks at a poster for Saturday Night Fever) _"All that flirting we've been doing at those games are finally paying off."

_Bill approaches the classroom, but before he opens the door, he spots something in the window._

_He sees his date, Peggy Platter, in the arms of another man. She's kissing Hank Hill._

**Peggy** _(laughing)_: "Oh, Hank. You were wonderful in today's game."

**Hank**: "Yup. I sure was. That linebacker couldn't stand a chance."

**Peggy**: "That is something you are going to remember for the rest of your life.

Speaking of remembering, I can't help but feel that I forgot something…"

**Hank**: "Aw, don't worry about it. How's about we see a movie tonight to celebrate? They're showing Saturday Night Fever." _(raises eyebrows)_

**Peggy**: _(gasp) _"Now I remember…

I love John Travolta! I'd love to go, Hank."

**Hank**: "It's a date."

_Peggy and Hank continue kissing each other. _

_Bill sees this. He is devastated. He clutches the gifts in his arms, and walks down the hall holding back his tears…_

_Bill ends his daydream with a strange feeling in his gut._

**Bill**: "Ouch."

"Boomhauer, you've had hundreds of dates, and never once taken a woman's hand in marriage. You came close, but never actually got there. Yet you always seem to be perfectly fine.

Teach me to be happy."

**Boomhauer**: "Well…talkin' no real secret, man. Come on, lemme show ya."

_Boomhauer drives down the road._

**Scene II – The Gymnasium**

_He takes Bill to his hangout: the Hemlich County Gymnasium._

_Once there, there are different men and women exercising, eating, or drinking healthy snacks and beverages._

**Bill**: "This is my first time being in an actual gymnasium…since 1982." _(sadly)_ "Where did the time go?"

_Someone calls Boomhauer._

**Lee**: "Hey, Boomhauer!"

**Boomhauer**: "Hey there, Lee. Yo, this my friend, Bill."

**Lee**: "Hi, Bill." _(shakes his hand)_ "Welcome to the Hemlich County Gymnasium. You'll find that we have a lot ofprograms, physical workouts, psychological counseling, meditation, nutritional classes, everything you need to get into tip-top shape!"

**Bill**: "Well, I don't know…"

**Lee**: "Nonsense. You wouldn't be here if you didn't have areason. Just sign the member sheet at the front desk whenever you're ready." _(walks off)_

_Bill looks around, and sees all kinds of people with large muscles, enjoying healthy snacks, and having friendly conversations, and generally having a great time. He is beginning to have second thoughts…_

**Bill**: "Um, Boomhauer…I'm beginning to think this place isn't for me. This seems like a big step towards self-improvement. _(starts to walk away, but Boomhauer grabs him)_

**Boomhauer**: "Yo, you can't give up when you haven't even started yet. "

**Bill**: "But I don't even know where to start."

_Boomhauer winks his eye at a red-haired lady. The lady walks over._

**Tracey**: "What's up?"

**Boomhauer**: "Yo. I'm Jeff. Friends call me Boomhauer."

**Tracey**: "I'm Tracey."

**Boomhauer**: "Yo, Tracey. Where you comin' from?"

**Tracey**: "I'm from South Arlen. Mmm…How about one of these days I can bring a piece of South Arlen to your place?"

**Boomhauer**: "Yo."

_Tracey writes her phone number on a piece ofnotebook paper._

**Tracey**: "See ya around…Jeff." _(walks off)_

_Boomhauer points at her, and clicks his tongue._

**Bill**: "There, you see! You barely did anything at all! _I_ need those kind of skills."

_Boomhauer points to the member sign-up sheet._

Bill thinks for a moment, then makes his decision.

**Bill**: "I'll do it."

_He walks over, and signs his name with the blue pen. The pen runs out of ink._

**Bill**: "Damn." _(shakes pen)_

"Stupid blue crayon."

**Boomhauer**: "Yo, one day at a time, Bill. One day at a time…"

**Scene III – The Big Overhaul**

_One day, Boomhauer spends some time at Bill's house. He is going to figure out ways that Bill can improve his lifestyle. Smokey Robinson's "Everybody Plays the Fool" is playing._

**Boomhauer**: "Okay, yo. Gotta talk about dang ol' housekeepin', man."

**Bill**: "What does having a clean house have to do with getting women?"

**Boomhauer**: "Yo, man. No lady wants to sleep wit' no man in no pig sty. Ladies like men who take care of 'emselves, man."

_Boomhauer points to an empty pizza box on the floor. Bill picks it up, and throws it in the garbage._

_The two then look at the couch, which is littered with stains, crumbs, lint, and a bit of dandruff._

**Bill**: "The couch…my second bed…when I'm thinking long, sad thoughts alone."

_Boomhauer prepares a carpet cleaner. After loading it with detergent and water, he turns it on, and starts sucking all of the dirt and stains off the couch._

_After a while, the job is done, and Bill's couch is completely re-upholstered._

**Boomhauer**: "There now. Takin' 'bout spic-n'-span, yo." _(gives a thumbs-up)_

_Bill is sitting in a chair, having dozed off._

_Boomhauer nudges him._

**Bill**: "Huh? How long was I out?"

_Boomhauer shows him the clean couch._

**Bill** _(sadly)_: "I'm going to miss that mustard stain on the left pillow."

_As the evening progresses, Bill and Boomhauer spend time together, cleaning Bill's house from top to bottom. _

_In the bathroom, Boomhauer cleans out the toilet, and unplugs it. Bill has to spray and clean out the cockroaches in his shower stall._

_In his bedroom, Boomhauer changes the sheets on Bill's bed with all new clean linen. Bill tries picking up all of the dirty clothes scattered on the floor._

**Bill**: "Can I borrow some change for the Laundromat?"

_In the kitchen, Boomhauer washes the dishes and silverware, and puts the clean ones in the cupboards and drawers. Bill tries moping the floor. He nearly passes out from using too much Pine Sol._

_Hours and hours pass by._

_By sunset, Bill's house is all clean. Bill and Boomhauer have taken the last of the garbage to the curb, where there's already a whole pile of junk from missed garbage days._

**Boomhauer**_ (wearily)_: "We'll…we'll wrap it up for today, Bill. Dang ol' dog tired… _(yawn)_ …we'll get started on the yard t'morrow." _(goes home)_

_Bill wipes some sweat off his forehead, and stares off into the sunset. A feeling of satisfaction runs thru his mind…_

_The next day, Hank and Dale watch as Bill waters his front lawn. Boomhauer is watering some newly planted flowers._

**Dale**: "So how long do you think until Bill finally gives up and admits he's no ladies' man? Don't even ask my opinion on how he's doing."

**Hank**: "I'm willing to bet never. Boomhauer is very experienced with women. He's going to put Bill's life back in order.

I just wish they had chosen a better sort of grass for Bill's lawn."

**Dale**: "Bluegrass is outdated, Hank. St. Augustine grass is the new thing." _(sips beer)_

_Later, Boomhauer is putting strawberries, blueberries, and bananas into a smoothie mixer._

**Bill**: "I don't know, Boomhauer. I don't think I can stomach this stuff."

**Boomhauer**: "Yo, man. Gotta get better eatin' habits. You'll live longer, and think clearer, man." _(hands Bill a nutrition booklet)_

_Boomhauer pours a finished fruit smoothie into two cups._

**Boomhauer**: "Talkin' 'bout a toast, man. Better health, and new lifestyle, yo."

_The two clicks cups, and take a drink. Bill holds his nose while he drinks his fruit smoothie._

**Scene IV – Bill's New Image**

_Over the next few weeks, Bill becomes a regular member at the Heimlich County Gymnasium. He exercises, and gets stronger in the process. He lifts heavier weights each week. Soon, his large gut takes the shape of healthy abs. Lee marks his progress with membership points._

_Bill continues improving his eating habits as well. When at the supermarket, he resists a bag of Cheetos that he had his eye on, and instead picks up a can of peanuts._

_After a while, Bill is able to run faster and without any pain in his ankles. He runs on top of a hill against bright sunshine. When he reaches the top, he overlooks a beautiful view of Arlen against a soft breeze._

**Scene V – Special Thanks**

_The next day, Bill and Boomhauer go to the Gymnasium again. As they enter, KC and the Sunshine Band's "That's the Way I Like It" is playing. A picture of Bill, as the "Person of the Month" is hanging in the lobby.Everyone is exercising while the men are at the food counter._

**Clerk**: "What'll it be, gents?"

**Boomhauer**: "Two veggie shakes, man."

_The clerk hands Boomhauer and Bill two carrot-celery shakes. Boomhauer gives the clerk two dollars._

**Boomhauer**: "So, how's it been so far?"

**Bill**: "It's great, Boomhauer! Women actually want to hang out with me! Nobody spits on me or turns me in for indecent exposure."

**Boomhauer**: "Dang ol' great to hear. Stick wit' me, an' you'll life your life to its fullest."

**Bill **_(raises cup)_: "I'll drink to that!"

_Bill and Boomhauer drink their veggie shakes._

**Scene VI – A Whole New Outlook**

_When Bill walks out the pharmacy store, Connie and Joseph walk by licking ice cream._

**Connie**: "Say, is that Mr. Dauterive?"

**Joseph**: "Yeah, that is him."

**Bill**: "Hey there, kids."

**Joseph**: "Dude…"

_Joseph hands his ice cream cone over to Connie and takes his shirt off. He walks over to Bill. The two start flexing muscles together._

_Joseph then grabs a rock, and lifts it with both his arms._

_Bill lifts a shopping cart with both his arms._

_Connie stares with amazement, as ice cream starts dripping on the ground._

**Joseph**: "Whoa, dude. You're strong."

**Bill**: "That's right." _(smashes shopping cart on the pavement)_

_Joseph puts his shirt back on, and takes back his ice cream cone. He and Connie walk off together._

_At Jack's Barbershop, Luanne is giving Bill a new hairstyle._

**Luanne**: "Here you go, Mr. Dauterive. I fixed your hair exactly the way you want it."

**Bill**: "Thank you, Luanne." _(hands her money) _"Keep the change." _(exits barbershop)_

**Jack**: "So Luanne, what's Bill up to these days?"

**Luanne**: "He just took on a totally different lifestyle. It's so sweet to see him so happy."

**Bill** _(singing happily and dancing around)_: "Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay. Wonderful feeling, wonderful day!"

**Scene VII – The New Alpha**

_Later that evening, Bill and Boomhauer are hanging out at the bar together._

_A waitress serves the men their cups of beer._

**Bill**: "I got to say, my life has improved greatly over the past month. Thanks, Boomhauer." _(the two shake hands)_

_A brunette woman settles down at the table Bill and Boomhauer are sitting at. She takes a look at Boomhauer…_

**Patricia**: "Hey, babe."

_Boomhauer smiles as she crosses her legs._

**Patricia**: "You from around here?"

**Boomhauer**: Born and raised, yo.

_The two are about to kiss, until Patricia takes a look at Bill._

**Patricia** _(gasps)_: "Oh my God! You are a beefcake!" _(moves over to Bill)_

**Bill**: "You look like a chocolate mousse yourself."

**Patricia**: "I have been celibate for more than six months, and I'm ready to get reacquainted with all of my five senses."

_Patricia grabs Bill's collar._

**Patricia **_(seductively)_: "Take me, Bill. Take me now!"

**Bill **_(meekly)_: "I'll get the car started."

_Boomhauer looks on with an perturbed expression._

_The next day, at the beach, a boat zips by in the river. Lucky is controlling the panel, and Luanne is riding the waves._

_Bill and Boomhauer come to the beach separately without the other knowing._

_Boomhauer is relaxing on a beach towel with a pair of sunglasses. He's thinking slow thoughts to himself. _

**Boomhauer**_ (in his mind)_: "Is it possible that there can be too much of a good thing?"

_A woman approaches him._

**Fiona**: "Excuse me. Hi, my name is Fiona. I'm looking for a handsome gentleman who was coming here sometime today."

**Boomhauer**: "Hey, baby. That'd be dang ol' me! Though not sure if you're marked on my calendar."

**Fiona**: "Um actually, I was kinda looking for that guy." _(points to Bill when he walks out of the restroom)_

_(calls)_ "Hey girls! He's over here!"

_A group of women rush over. Boomhauer sees this with bewilderment._

_As Bill walks off with a giggling group of women. Boomhauer starts to stiffen up…_

**(end of Act II)**


	3. Chapter 3

**King of the Hill**

A Bill & Boomhauer Episode

Falling in Love is Such a Queasy Thing to Do

**Act III**

**Scene I – Boomhauer's Problem**

_Boomhauer is lying on a couch._

**Boomhauer**: "I..I just don't understand. I've been the dang ol' ladies' man of Arlen since '87. And now it's all taken away from me. What should I do, man?"

**Lucky**: "I wouldn't worry about it."

_The scene is revealed to be the Hills' living room couch in lieu of a psychologist's office._

**Lucky**: "Bill sounds like the kind of feller who needed all the help he could get. As far as I'm concerned, his prophecy has been fulfilled."

**Boomhauer**: "Yeah, I guess so…unless… dang ol' remind Bill of who he was before. Then I'll be getting' the girls again, yo."

**Lucky**: "Now don't do _that_. Take it from me, Mr. Boomhauer; sometimes, change is a good thing."

**Boomhauer**: "Yeah, but not if it makes me look bad, man.

Just don't tell Hank nuttin' 'bout this, otherwise we'll have to listen to 'I'm right, you're wrong', yadda-yadda. Need to handle things for ourselves sometimes, man."

**Lucky**: "I can't fully grasp your motivation, Mr. Boomhauer. But just out of common courtesy, I won't tell Uncle Hank."

**Hank **_(from the kitchen)_: "Tell me what? Sounds like someone's in trouble I tell you what."

**Boomhauer**: "Uh-oh.."

_Boomhauer jumps off the couch and leaves quickly._

**Scene II – Temptation**

_Bill and Boomhauer are out on Bill's front porch as Bill prepares to leave._

**Bill**: "Well, Boomhauer. I'm off to the nightclub. My new date is waiting."

**Boomhauer**: "Yo dang ol' have a nice time, man."

_Boomhauer takes out a big bag of BBQ potato chips._

**Bill** _(gasps)_: "Boomhauer! What are you doing?"

**Boomhauer**: "Yo, man I thought I could have a li'l ol' snack before we head out, yo."

**Bill**: "If you were hungry, I still have food in the kitchen. And I thought we specifically agreed on no more junk food!"

_Boomhauer tempts Bill by opening the bag slowly, and inhaling the smell of the chips. As Bill tries to ignore him, Boomhauer pulls out a large, crispy chip, and slowly begins to chew on it._

**Bill** _(sighs)_: "I don't have time for this. I'm going to be late.

To think, Iused to raid his refridgerator."

_Boomhauer gives up, and just throws the bag in the trash can as he walks away._

**Boomhauer** _(mumbling)_: "Mm, dang ol' always fill the bag halfway wit' air…"

_No sooner than Bill drives off to the lounge and Boomhauer goes home, Ladybird and Doggie walk away from their homes. They run over to the trash can on Bill's lawn, and tip it over. Potato chips spill all over, and the two dogs start feeding on the snack._

_At the lounge, Bill is watching women walk by him, while he thinks to himself._

**Bill** _(muttering)_: "Stupid Boomhauer and his damn potato chips…"

_Bill samples some walnuts on the table, but they taste terrible._

_He starts to remember something again…_

_On Christmas Eve, Bill walks into his front door, with some gifts._

**Bill**: "Hey, Lenore! I thought we could open some of our Christmas presents a little early."

_He sees Lenore on the couch in the arms of another man. The man is muching on some cracked walnuts._

**Lenore**: "Oh, you're back already? Have you met my new boyfriend?"

**Sam**: "I already got the girl her gifts." _(the two start snuggling)_

**Bill**: "Lenore, I go out on a limb to give us a jolly time, and _this_ is how you repay me?"

**Lenore**: "Oh Bill, it's not always about you. What about _my_ needs?"

_The confrontation quickly erupts into a loud argument that could be heard all throughout the neighborhood on that dark, terrible evening._

**Lenore**: "…and another thing, you _still_ didn't pay me for the manicure I had to get last weekend! And goddammit, I already told you we weren't doing anything special this week!"

**Bill**: "But…but Lenore…this is the holidays. Why are you seeing other people on the night before the birth of Our Lord Savior?"

**Lenore**: "Billy dear, we're through."

_Bill drops all of his gifts, and starts wailing._

**Sam**: "My dog can sing a better symphony than that."

_Later, a divorce paper is handed down. The signature for Lenore Johnson, and William Dauterive are written on the bottom. Lenore forges Bill's signature with a devious smile. She walks away with Sam, never to be seen in Arlen again…_

_Bill stops daydreaming and wakes up with a very sick feeling in his gut. He can't tell whether it's from hunger or anguish._

_Suddenly, he sees a large bowl of salt and vinegar chips across from the table. He tries to ignore it as a woman walks over._

**Valerie**: "Hi, handsome. I'm Valerie, or Valley for short."

_Bill looks at the woman, but keeps doubling back between her and the bowl of chips._

_Two men walk over, and start eating the chips. Bill smacks his lips._

**Valerie**: "So what's your name?"

_Bill sweats and starts quivering._

**Bill**: "I'm…I'm…"

"I'M HUNGRY!" _(zips over to the bowl)_

**Valerie **_(to herself)_: "Hungry? I have a cousin who was just there last week."

_Bill pushes the two guys aside, and starts gobbling up the bowl of potato chips._

_The music stops, and every stares at Bill, who for weeks had changed his image for the better, but had now suddenly fallen back into his old habits again._

**Bill** _(sheepishly)_: "Um, there's enough chips for everyone?" _(lets out a large belch)_

**Scene III – Relapse**

_Meanwhile, back at Boomhauer's house, The Beatles' "Yesterday" plays while he's lying in bed staring at the ceiling. A woman is lying next to him, not sure of what's going on._

**Tracey**: "Jefferson, what's wrong? You seem distracted."

**Boomhauer**: "Mmm…I dunno, Tracey. Can't seem to think straight."

**Tracey**: "You should talk to William."

**Boomhauer**: "Who?"

**Tracey**: "They call him Bill. He's a pretty balanced guy."

_Boomhauer turns the cheek and hides under the covers._

**Tracey**: "Aww…You're upset because your friend is making you look bad?"

**Boomhauer** _(mumbling)_: "…Dang ol' teach him how to get chics…_(mumbles)_…steal my thunder."

**Tracey**: "Jefferson, I think it's great that you helped your friend out. We all need self-improvement in some form. Besides, I don't want William…I want _you_."

_Boomhauer re-emerges from the sheets. Tracey snuggles beside Boomhauer's chest._

**Tracey** _(sighs softly)_ : "Do you use Lubriderm?"

**Boomhauer**: "Yep."

_The two sink under the covers and start making out…_

_Two hours later, Tracey gets ready to go home. She kisses Boomhauer as she walks out the front door._

**Tracey**: "Good-bye, Jefferson."

_Boomhauer waves good-bye. Tracey drives off in her car._

_A short time later, Bill's car drives into his driveway and knocks over a trash can. Boomhauer walks over as Bill stumbles out of the car._

_Bill emerges babbling loudly. His clothes are stained with grease, and he has several bruises, including a black eye._

**Boomhauer**: "Yo, Bill. What dang ol' happened, man?"

**Bill** _(drunkenly)_: "Oh…you'd like to know what happened to poor ol' Bill, wouldn't ya, Boomhoser!" _(cries out loud)_

"I cou-couldn't get this women I liked, cause-because I had bad breath. She hates guys with halyo-, uh, helio-, uh,hagitysis…But make no mistake 'bout it; she had huge cans, I'm talking like…thiiiiiiis big!" _(stumbles)_

"Anyway, I was feeling poor, like I am, and, and I gave in. I couldn't get nobody's attention, so's after I finished my tatter chips, I tried to French-kiss this broad with a huge ass…then one broad lead to anudder…and anudder…and anudder…"

"Now here I am…alone, with no one…no one with me now…no one."

_Bill vomits all over his driveway and topples onto his front lawn._

**Bill**: "Nighty-night…" _(snores loudly)_

_Boomhauer lowers his head in shame._

**Scene IV – Apology**

_Three days later, Hank, Bill, Boomhauer, and Dale are sipping beer in the alley again. Bill had stopped attending the gymnasium for a while, but still had big muscles…_

**Boomhauer**: "Yo, Bill. Dang ol' sorry for getting jealous. Talkin' 'bout me who made you who you became in first place, yo."

**Bill**: "I'm sorry for being more than I actually was. _You're_ the kind of guy who likes going out with multiple women. Most of us prefer to have one."

**Hank & Dale**: "Amen!"

**Bill** _(sighs)_: "Maybe I just wasn't meant to have women. Maybe my life is better than I think it is."

_The men share a solemn moment as they look off into the distance…_

**Scene V – Life Goes On**

_The next day, Boomhauer finishes lifting weights at the Gymnasium. He walks off to the food counter. He's joined by Lee._

**Lee**: "Hey there, Boomhauer! Where's your friend?"

**Boomhauer**: "Mmm.. dang ol' decided to give up on his new lifestyle."

**Lee**: "What? But why? Did he mess up somewhere? Something I can help him with?"

**Boomhauer**: "Naw, he did fine wit' the ladies…"

**Lee**: "Oh, I know. I've seen his progress over the past month or so. He's even been doing better than _you._"

_Boomhauer has a stern look on his face._

**Boomhauer**: "Anyway, he could only take so much dang pressure for so long. I guess it's partially my fault for gettin' jealous, yo. Took him there in the first place." _(starts to feel repentant)_

**Lee**: "That really sucks.

But you know, Bill did his best, and his new lifestyle was in no way a failure. And I commend you for making a better tomorrow for your buddy.

I guess when it gets right down to it, you just have to be yourself."

_Boomhauer and Lee sit silently for a while eating sandwiches._

**Lee**_ (mumbles)_: "This meat could've used more salt."

**Scene VI – Bill's Confession**

_A few days later, Bill goes to church in private. He asks Reverend Stroup what he can do to redeem his sins._

**Stroup**: "Well Bill, that's quite a story. You do know you're technically supposed to wait until you're married before you can lose your virginity?"

**Bill**: "That's what I was raised to believe. That's why I've doubled between Methodism and Catholicism for the past 15 years."

**Stroup**: "Christianity has a lot of aspects we don't understand. We have to take the words of faith with a grain of salt."

**Bill**: "You know, it's weird. I had a nasty divorce with my wife in 1991, and since then, my life has practically gone to hell. There were days when I believed there was no God at all. But somewhere among the thoughts of despair, a little voice has always told me, 'Hang in there.'"

**Stroup**: "Don't feel too bad, Bill. I've been in the presence of people much worse off than you. Many just roll over and die. You…you never give up."

_Bill gazed into Stroup's eyes. _

_Stroup gazed into Bill's eyes._

_Stroup leaned over the desk and kissed Bill on the cheek._

**Stroup** _(whispers)_: "Let's keep that between us."

**Bill**: "Well, I better be going." _(walks to the door)_

**Stroup**: "Bill?"

_Bill looks back._

**Stroup**: "How about we continue this discussion at my house…over a cup of ice cream?"

_Bill smiles. _

**Bill**: "It's a date."

_Bill exits Reverend Stroup's office._

_Reverend Stroup leans back in her chair._

**Stroup**: "One day at a time…"

**(end of Act III)**

**The End**


End file.
